


Late-Night Confessions

by FreckledSkittles



Series: Barisi Is Married and Happy Because I Said So [13]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anxiety, Banter, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Angst, Mild Hurt/Comfort, conversations about mental health, the b in Barisi stands for banter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:48:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27935741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreckledSkittles/pseuds/FreckledSkittles
Summary: It’s 4 AM and Rafael is feeling anxious.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Barisi Is Married and Happy Because I Said So [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1405030
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44





	Late-Night Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I have anxiety and sometimes a way I expel it out of my system is by writing it out of me and so this fic happened
> 
> Please note that any and all experiences with anxiety experienced in this fic drabble thing are my own experiences. Not everyone will feel anxiety the same as me and that’s okay. It is okay. You are okay. Remember to take care of yourself and drink water and take your meds
> 
> Posted via mobile and not beta’d or read over before posting so excuse any errors

“Sonny.”

Sonny opens his eyes and tries to adjust to the darkness of his and Rafael’s bedroom. He turns over onto his back to look at his husband, who is sitting up in bed with his hands clenched around his knees. Rafael keeps his eyes forward, almost as if he were in a trance. Sonny’s gut tugs at how vacant his stare is, how tense his shoulders are. Caught in his own anxiety and muddled thoughts.

“Sonny,” Rafael repeats, his fingers curling into his pajama pants. Sonny shoots up at the urgency in his voice, his body jolting awake, and reaches a hand out in an offering. Unlike Sonny, who had his own spirals of anxiety and actively seeked out some form of physical contact, Rafael needed time to process everything before he allowed it.

“I’m right here,” Sonny whispers. “I’m awake.”

“Sonny. I’m…” He swallows roughly. “It’s…” He wets his lips with a flick of his tongue and pulls his legs closer to his chest. His hands grip his ankles now as if to hold himself together. Sonny simply waits for him to work out what’s going on in his mind. “I can’t sleep. I feel so stressed and I don’t know why.”

Sonny recognizes his tells instantly; that’s what being married would do, but Sonny likes to believe it’s more than that. He and Rafael love each other for every inch they can give and every word they can share and every touch they can leave behind. And for every anxiety that renders them sleepless, their feelings and support don’t change. Rafael wants—needs—to talk about this, but he can’t voice what’s plaguing him. Sonny deduces he might have to be the one to name it, something both of them are used to. “Is it work-related?”

Rafael shakes his head. The law firm he had started with Rita to represent people misused or betrayed by the justice system in some way had been up for a year. Sonny is proud to see his husband doing defense work for others, even as—no,  _ especially _ as an ADA. There needs to be accountability for those who do wrong, and there is no greater person to lead the charge than Rafael Barba-Carisi. (Rita would claim bias. Rafael would use the moment to gain even more flattery, as if he doesn’t get enough of it already.)

Sonny crosses his legs in front of him and rests his hands on his knees. “Alright, it’s not work. Maybe family? Something our moms did, or something I—”

“No,” Rafael cuts him off, his voice hardening for a brief second before lapsing back to exhaustion. “No person caused this.”

“Is it related to something you saw in the news?”

Rafael shakes his head. He bows his head so that his forehead is held up by his knees and lets out a trembling sigh. Sonny knows what he’s going to say before the words are even in the air. “Which means the only thing that could be causing this…,” his fingers curl, “this anxiety, is my own brain.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Rafael. It doesn’t make you any less of a person.”

“I know,” Rafael seethes. It’s not personal, just a reaction. “But it’s 4 AM and every time I close my eyes, it’s like I’m facing the fact that I’m living in an illusion. Like I created this world where the people I’ve let into my life enjoy my company.” The deep heave of his chest, the sag of his shoulders, is the opportunity Sonny needs to wrap an arm around his shoulder and tug him close. He buries his nose in dark hair when Rafael turns into his husband. “If I don’t sleep,” he whispers into Sonny’s neck, “maybe I can live in this world a little longer.”

“What does this world look like?” Sonny asks. “The one that looks like a lie. Who’s in it?”

“People.”

“Family?”

Rafael shrugs. He stretches his legs out and fiddles with the drawstring of his pants. “Just faces of people I’ve brought into my inner circle. No one specific. It’s like,” he thinks for a moment, “I used the likeness of people I know to create these personas. And those personas are new faces for people I already know.”

“So you have an Olivia, a Rita, a Lucia—”

“But they don’t look like them. They’re completely different.”

“Is there a Sonny?”

Rafael’s voice cracks. “I don’t want to doubt that you love me.”

Sonny smiles softly and pecks his forehead. He’s had his share of nights spent wondering if their lives are real—if he is truly living in a world where his family supports him, his job is the one he’s worked so hard for day in and night out, and his husband is a man who loves him as much as Sonny loves him. It’s not a matter of knowing that they love each other, but rather, it’s a matter of what something else—anxiety, fear, a voice that is speaking a little louder than the truth—is trying to make them believe, to the point where they can’t tell the difference.

“I’ve never had anyone love me as much as you do,” Rafael says. His voice remains dry and firms up a bit. “And I don’t think there’s a world in which you never do. What bothers me is…,” he reaches for Sonny, and he wraps Rafael in his arms in one fell swoop, “is the possibility that, maybe, you don’t. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself, or dreaming, or seeing what I want to see. I’ve had so many bad experiences in the past, why would this one be different?”

His voice trails off, staggering a bit, so Sonny helps him finish and continues for him. “It’s nothing to do with me. Your anxiety is saying something different and you don’t know what to believe.” Knowing what has disturbed Rafael is a bit of a relief; the more important matter now is that they steer Rafael towards mending it in the most helpful way. Sonny can only do so much, and this is a battle he cannot fight for him, no matter how much he may wish to take the anxiety and deal with it himself. He can’t physically remove it from Rafael. He can only offer his support in whatever way he can and whatever way Rafael allows.

Rafael lets out a breath that stutters at the end. “I don’t know where it came from. I just started feeling this way.”

“Sometimes, there is no explanation. It just happens.” Sonny kisses the top of his head. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

He feels Rafael’s hands curl in the small of his back. His voice sounds so shy when he makes his request. “If you could keep holding me like this, that would be good.”

“Of course. I hear my hugs are a specialty. A delicacy, even.”

The soft chuckle rumbles against him. A small victory, despite how simple it may be. “A delicacy. I question the word choice, but I’m not going to challenge the claim.”

“Maybe later? Just a little fight, for old time’s sake?”

Rafael hums. “Maybe later. I’d love to see what you would counter with.”

“No spoilers, but,” Sonny leans back so he can look at Rafael, his husband, a bit wet around the eyes but at least a bit more relieved than earlier, “it does involve a cuddle marathon.”

Rafael smirks and kisses him, short but sweet. “On second thought, maybe I will challenge it. I love a good fight.”

They don’t return to sleep. Instead, Sonny shares a few more words with him, the casual banter that supports them today and will never fail to catch them when they fall. Words are important to them as individuals, but as a couple, they are all the more essential. For their banter and their declarations, and for the foundation of their relationship, they thrive on sharing words. It’s Rafael’s comfort zone, after all, and Sonny would spar and banter with him nonstop for a year if it meant he could see Rafael smile, if it could ease his worries and distract him for just a moment.

Sonny will call in sick in the morning; Rafael will tell Rita he won’t be in, although she’ll have an idea of what’s going on. Much like Sonny, her instincts on Rafael are second nature. No matter what his anxiety says, there are people who care for him genuinely and will make sure he is taken care of. Even when his own mind tells him otherwise. Once the cloud disappears, he’ll remember. For now, he’s alright with laying in Sonny’s arms and gradually forgetting anything but his husband for a little while.


End file.
